Each Day Counts

Life lessons at the fair

This post will be something new for me. I will be trying to ‘kill two birds with one stone.’ What I mean is that this post will be featured on www.eachdaycounts.com (my personal blog) and at www.modestofamous.com.

So here we go...

Yesterday I took my children to the fair and I learned quite a bit about the little beauties. For instance, Gracie, my five year-old who I could not get to take a shower alone six months ago for fear of drowning seems to have become a little daredevil. Watching her break free of her fears was a beautiful site. Watching her laugh while on the very top of the largest ferris wheel at the fair was very inspiring to me.

As for Lauren, my 10 year-old, I learned that she is still young enough to have a bit of fun with her aging Dad without worrying about the “cool” factor. But I know that in just a couple of years there will be no way in the world for me to get her to wear a goofy hat in public without worrying about being seen by a friend.

I savored every second with my girls yesterday and I let them sleep in today until noon because they were so worn out when they fell asleep last night. Being a part-time dad is rough and it is very, very difficult for me because of my health. I fear that I won’t get to see them grow up but more than that I fear that they won’t have great memories of me.

If I can’t get to the point where I get my liver transplant, I don’t want them thinking about what could have been. I want them to look back and think about that day when I went on the giant slide with them at the fair and let them do and eat just about whatever the heck that they wanted. I want them to learn from me that every day should be lived like tomorrow might not come. I want them to enjoy life and treasure every second that they have.

I’d like to thank Penny and Courtney at The Stanislaus County Fair for allowing us ice cream bars and water and a place for us to rest when I felt tired. I would also like to thank my in-laws for making the trip with us so special.

But most of all I would like to thank Lauren and Gracie for showing their daddy how to smile and laugh no matter how I feel and for making every day for me worth living even though there are some days when I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Love your kids today and hold them close to you. Let them eat something crazy and let them lose control a bit. They need to do those things just as much as we do.

Smile today!

Ruben/Mojo

I am still ok...

So I took over a month off from this project and I am sorry for that.  I know that there are so many of you out there that care and worry and I am deeply sorry for making you worry.  My life has been strange lately and I guess that I just needed to take a deep breath and hold it for a while.

I spent a few days on a beach, worked with ModestoFamous.com a great deal, took some photos and caught a few concerts.  Now I am back and I feel good. I feel revived a bit and a bit more in control than I did before I walked away.

My next cancer follow-up is on 08/18 and I have faith that I will be ok.  This will be year three of the five that I have to be cancer free to qualify to get on the list for a liver transplant.  This whole living on borrowed time thing is so hard for me.  People tell me just to relax and enjoy my life but they don't walk in my shoes.  I still face issues with my children, money, education and employment.

I am 31 years old and facing an early death.  That is my reality no matter how I look at it.  Getting married was probably not the smartest thing to do but I love her so much.  I need her so much.  But my life is taking a huge toll on hers and it hurts me to see her in pain and stressed about what happens next in her life.  She is too young to deal with all of this crap.  She is only human but she carries the weight of a thousand men on her shoulders.

So that is where I am at at this point.  I feel great to still be alive and thriving in the midst of this health crisis but I am scared.  Maybe you don't know how scared that I am.  Maybe I don't truly understand my situation like I thought that I did.  Maybe I choose to ingnore the true magnitude of what is happening inside of me.

I hope that everyone out there is doing well.  I hope that each and every one of you still has hope and faith and that you have the chance to feel passion.  Having a passion for living is a wonderful thing.

Smile today.

-Ruben

Tech Update

I have been working with my host and we have resolved the issues that I was having with the page loading to the incorrect page.  Also, the 100 things about me list on the right is back working although it does need to be updated to reflect our marriage.

I hope that you all have an amazing weekend!  Meg's family was here this weekend to work on our landscaping and it sure makes the yard look nice.  We look forward to having people over now because we have more room to entertain.

Smile today and have a great weekend.  I cannot wait to see my angels today!  I will take pics and post them soon.  Thank you all for reading!

One more thing:  My friend Jess is trying to break into the blog world.  It would be nice of you to visit her new blog and say hello.  Tell her where you found her.  That will make her smile.

To read Jess's Blog, click here.

To see our new little yard, click here.

Religion/Please Read

I got a comment yesterday on here that has really made me think.  I am pretty sure that the name was fake and I know that the email address attached was fake for sure.  The subject was religion.

This post could cause a stir but you know what...I promised you that I would share my whole life on here so here it goes...

I am not anti-religion.  I do not hate the lord.  I do not burn bibles in my spare time.  I do not protest outside of churches, mosques or Synagogues.

I believe that a power greater than me is guiding the direction of my life.  I believe that that power led me to knowing about my disease in enough time for me to change the direction of my life to a more positive one.

I also believe that that same higher power put Megan into my life to help to teach me the meaning of love before I die and that that same higher power saved my parents from a lifetime of drinking and drug abuse.

My ex-inlaws hide behind the church to live a life that only they know about and that irritates me to no end.  They put a bad taste in my mouth in regard to organized religion and I hope to lose those harsh feelings one day.  I don't understand churches full of light shows, preachers with $5,000.00 suits or the need for people to make me feel guilty when I cannot donate when I enter a church to pray and sit through a service.

I realize that I may be offending part of my readership here and I am sorry about that.  One of my most loyal readers and someone that I consider to be a valued friend and confidant is a woman named Heather and I respect her very, very much for overcoming struggles that have entered her life.  She has made no secret of her belief in the lord.  She lives the way that she does to help her to get through every day.  We all do.  It would be nice if everyone  in the world was as positive as Heather.  The world would be a much more beautiful place.

In closing I will say again, I am sorry if this offends you.  I hope that you respect my honesty and frankness and that you don't close the book on Each Day Counts.  I am not sure if there is a heaven or a hell but I know that I have lived through what must feel like hell during a liver biopsy, radiation therapy and surgery recovery and I know that I feel what heaven may be like every single time that I touch the woman who next month will become my wife.

I am crying  here right now and I feel like I have relieved myself of a major weight. 

Charlie, you did not piss me off with your comment.  You made me think and I appreciate you for that.  I value my open mind and the open mind of anyone that comes across my words.

Smile today and do whatever it takes for you to accept what the day will bring to you.  I will enjoy a concert with friends tonight and I will share a nice dinner with the woman of my dreams.  I will also take care to notice the blessings that cross my path.  I fight so hard to not overlook the good in the midst of all the bad that I face.

Soaked

The rain is coming down here in what is supposed to be a very powerful and wet California storm.  But usually when a storm around these parts gets this much hype it dies down and does nothing more than make a mess.  We will see what happens.  I won't break out the sand bags just yet but I will wear the Goretex shoes just in case of accidental puddle exposure.  Wow...that was a really fancy way of saying, "Damn.  I hope I don't step in a puddle!"

So the weekend was great.  The photo above is one that I took in a town near here called Knight's Ferry. (Click here to see more photos)  I took my friend Daniel and the girls for an adventure there and we had fun.  It was hard in a way though.  I mean, when I was a kid adventures were fun and exciting.  I looked forward to them.  But the kiddos sort of hurt my feelings yesterday because they made it clear that they would rather be at the mall or watching television then exploring history.  They are so much like their mother and it breaks my heart sometimes.

I want to be the ice cream buying dad and the adventure seeking dad.  I want to do the things with them that I did as a kid but they may not want that.  Any ideas out there?

In regard to health I am not feeling so great.  Symptoms of a liver disease include dark urine, lack of energy, easy bruising and short term memory loss.  I seem to be dealing with them all right now and maybe that is why I feel a bit gray today.

The main thing that I really hate though is the memory loss.  It is so strange.  Meg can ask me to do something and I will just forget.  It is embarassing.  But as usual, she is being supportive and accepting and I love that about her.  She is amazing to be able to live with someone like me.  I am a walking medical mess!  Click here to see a photo that really made me think about her and life.  Wherever I end up with this illness, I will know that she will be by my side no matter what.

I hope that the start of every ones week is great out there.  I will be doing what I can to stay strong and focused out here.  I will do what I can to fight like hell and keep smiling.  Again I say, thank you for taking the time to read my words.  Keep in touch!

Do cows bite?

Howdy readers!  I am sitting here listening to Kanye West and I must admit, this arrogant ass is a darn fine rapper.  There is something about the way his words flow.  Maybe I could be a rapper.  Ok...If I had some people I would call my people and tell them to gas up the jet or something so we could make a flight to "the studio."  Ok...so maybe I won't ever be a famous rapper and I won't ever have "people."  Wait!  Do doctors and nurses count?  I'll have lots of those!  And my goofy friend Daniel.  He could be my people too!

Well, I am rambling as usual now so I better get to the "meat" of this post.  I say "meat" because I am about to write about a cow!  Is that really just totally insensitive?  I mean...they are meat right?  Anyway, Meg and I went on a quick photo romp yesterday and we had some fun.  She climbed a tree!  I refused.

So, she wanted to see almond blossoms because they are pretty to her and I have learned that if she see things things that are pretty to her that her eyes light up.  And when her eyes light up they are pretty to me.  I mean...not just pretty.  Amazing.  Incredible.  Deep.  Maddening.  She has nice eyes.  Enough said.

So while we were cruising for blossoms we came across some cows and although very, very dirty they were alot of fun!  I was able to pet a few, get licked a bit and laugh.  It was like a hot San Francisco strip club except there were cows instead of hot babes.  Wow! That was a horrible way to put that!  Anyway, do cows bite?  Some strippers do!

So you can tell that I'm being playful and light here and I must admit that when I act this way it is because I am really hurting.  Yep...the pain is really kicking my butt today.  But I will be ok.  In two hours I will watch my little girl take to the stage at her school and no matter how bad my pain is, she will make it go away.  Little girls are pain relievers.  Maybe I should name my first child with Meg Percocet or Oxycontin.  Maybe not.  But they do relieve pain with magic smiles and gentle hugs.  They are amazing little people.

So go find some amazing little people today and hold them (kidnapping is just not cool.)  Love them.  Treat them to a toy or a walk in the park.  I will be ok today.  I will be here tomorrow.  That I know for sure.  And you know what, that is all that matters!

Smile today!

Goodbye little angel...

Ana Esparza, a 16 year old girl from Chicago died yesterday awaiting her second liver transplant.  She died at the same hospital that denied her a transplant in 2001 because she was an illegal immigrant.  I respect Ana because she left the world fighting to live and anyone that does that is a hero in my book.

This post is dedicated to Ana.  She got the transplant that I need and she lived through the whole ordeal with grace and a strong will to survive.  I may never receive a transplant based on my history of Cancer but if I do I want to be as strong as Ana.

So goodnight little angel.  You are in a better place now.  There is no reason for you to hurt anymore or cry anymore.  Your story will forever live in my heart and inspire me.  Thank you for that.

-To read more about Ana click here.

Mouthfuls...

Sunday is already here and the laziness has begun!  It is hard to believe how fast that time goes by anymore.  Yesterday Megan and I spent the  day in Sacramento, CA (no we did not see Govenor Ahnold) visiting my best friend and his wife and it was alot of fun.  Before we got to the house to visit Matora, Megan and I spent some time in Old Sacramento near the Sacramento River and as you can see, we had some fun being silly and eating way too much crap!  I love that photo of Meg!  Check out the little boy in the background.  I think he fainted just after I shot the phot0!

So, health is ok around here although I have been having a hard time falling asleep every night.  I just hope that I can keep sleeping every night.  I hate it when I go for days without sleep!  I end up feeling (and looking) like a zombie and that is just not good!

So I hope that everyone out there is having a great long weekend.  Tell me about your adventures.  Did you climb a mountain, plant a garden, go parasailing, save a family from a burning house?  Really, I love to hear what people are up to out there.

Enjoy the day! Smile!

Click here to see more photos our adventure yesterday!

That same link will take you to 1,345 photos of our life!  You could overdose on Rube and Meg!!!!  We are addicting like crack because we are just so damn sexy! :-)

"There were people cursing God"

I had another really rough night last night and I hardly got any sleep at all.  But I am thinking now that maybe I was up for a reason.  I know that you have been knee deep in this story with all the news coverage but I had to say something about the Sago coal mine incident.

I was up when they announced that only one man was dead and I recall thinking "Holy crap!  Those guys are tough as nails!  They made it"

I was also up about three hours later when they announced that all but one man was dead.  My heart sank.  I cried.  I sat all alone in the dark and I watched as mass confusion insued.  I watched as children cried and grown men took to their knees to sob.

I don't know who is to blame for the "miscommunication" but I don't think that matters anymore.  The point is that people were allowed to celebrate a "miracle" for three whole hours only to have their celebration ripped out from under them.  In mere seconds lives were devestated.  Hopes were dashed.  Faith was lost.

Maybe it feels so painful to me because I actually need a miracle to survive the life that I have left.  I can only imagine what that situation would do to me.  I mean, if my doctor called and said, "Mr. Porras there is a liver available for you.  We are sending an ambulance to transport you."

I would call my mother, cry with Megan and I would call all of my friends.  I would call Ginger in Arkansas and ask her to update my blog for me and let everyone know that I have a chance at a new life.  I would be so relieved.  I would be so happy.  Tears of joy would rain down.

But if he called back and said, "There has been a mistake Mr. Porras.  This liver won't work for you.  I am sorry."  I would be crushed.  I would be broken.  I would be hurt and absolutely totally devestated.  I would be a mental train wreck that may never be able to be cleaned up.

Anyway, I am thinking about those people today and I am praying for the lone survivor.  There are all those wives, mothers, sisters, friends and no many others that were destroyed by this.  It would have been so different if the words of hope did not get mentioned.  If the families had been notified of the deaths they would have been hurt but not like this.  This is wrong in so many ways.

Hold someone today.  Tell everyone that you know that you love them and are thankful for them.

Click here for a great song.  Listen to the words.  It is a classic.