Each Day Counts

Midnight Rain

I am sitting here in bed listening to the rain fall and I feel great.  We got home not too long ago from a night out with friends (we go to Starbuck's with them every Wednesday) and Meg is already asleep.  A quiet iTunes mix is playing in the background featuring John Mayer, Ben Folds and Jack Johnson and the window is cracked open just a bit so I can feel the Fall air on my back.  This is heaven! I feel great right now!

It is nice to feel great right now because this has been a rough day for me full of pain and sleepiness.  I feel so tired lately and I really hate that.  One of my friends also told me tonight that I look pale and that is not good.  Based on my natural complexion, pale often means yellow and you all know that yellow means liver trouble and liver trouble is just bad news in my case.

But right now at this moment I feel alive and safe.  I am next to my pretty wife and Tinkerbell is here also cuddled up next to Megan.  I could not ask for a whole lot more right now.  I am thankful for what I have here.  I love these moments!

Tomorrow I hope to have a better day.  I may go to a concert with friends if I feel better.  That would be great!  Maybe I will sleep in and wake up and head out for coffee alone with my new book.  There is something magic about books and coffee on brisk Fall mornings.

Relax if you can if you have been stressed and think about all the wonderful things that you have.   I bet the number of good things far outweighs the bad!

Sleep well out there!  Thank you for letting me have your attention for a minute.  You have no idea how good it feels just to let it all go once in a while!

-Ruben

We did it!

I am exhausted today but totally happy!  The show last night was amazing and we had a great deal of fun.  It was a complete success!  It is amazing how much this town that I live in really got together for me.  It was almost like the whole city was there at some point over the course of the evening.

This is the comment that I left for Megan on her MySpace account this morning:

So we had a big, big party and people came and dropped off money and hope and prayers and they hugged us and I danced with a beautiful woman with eyes of silver.

I think she loves me. I sure hope so because she is lovely and full of life and sometimes I see her side that she never shows anyone else. And you know...I love that side of her because it is just mine and that is special to me.

This man loves you deeply Megan. This man always, always will!

-Ruben

___

Meg is out of town this weekend with her family but I hope she can check her web accounts from a hotel somewhere.  I love her so much!  Life is good!  Yesterday counted!  Today counts!  Have some fun this weekend and know that we are all just lucky to be be ok.  No matter how bad life seems to get,  just remember that there is someone somewhere that is hoping for you.  Hope is something nobody can ever steal from you.  It lives right there in your heart and makes you come to life!

Thank you for all of your support! 

3:44 AM/The Distance Factor

I am sitting in bed right now and Meg is next to me like always but I feel like she is a million miles away for some reason.  You see; Finances around here have been tight and she has been working constantly at two jobs and attending school.  It breaks my heart that she has to do so much but I can't work and bills have to be paid.  Actually, I have taken a part-time job but it pays poorly and offers few hours.  It is more something that I took to occupy myself but the money does help a bit around here.

You should see her.  I want to touch her and hold here.  I would give anything to make love to my beautiful wife right now but she is so peaceful and I would hate to disturb her.  She worked until 1:00 this morning and tomorrow I believe that she works both jobs.  I miss her so much.  I have a hard time being alone anymore. 

So I am sitting here and the tears are falling again.  I am just so damn lost.  I have been hurting again lately and for some reason my sleep schedule is all messed up again.  I hate when it gets all messed up like this because I know that there are many long nights and foggy days like this ahead of me.  But at the same time, I know that a weekend with my little ladies is coming soon and that warms me and gives me something to focus on.  I don't have any plans for our next weekend together  but I am sure that we will think of something fun to do.  I don't think that they really care what we do as long as we do it together.  They are such incredible little people.

Well maybe I should end this for now and try to calm myself down a bit.  Maybe I should wrap my arms around Megan and not let go for a long while.  But again, I hate bothering her.  She needs her rest.  I just hate feeling so far from her.

I hope that all is well out there for everyone.  I hope that the weekend is bringing you joy.  I hope that you all feel love in your hearts.

Thank you again for reading my words and for making my life a bit less lonely.  I am so happy that I have this blog back on track again!  It appears that most of my regular readers are back and that is great!  I apologize If you have a blog and I have not left a comment for a while.  I have been lurking around a bit and reading many blogs.

Smile today!

-Ruben

Willie Nelson, Ice Cream and Passion

It is Sunday morning and I am sitting in my office with the girls and we are listening to Willie Nelson.  So many other kids would never sit and listen to Willie but they seem to understand that this music does something special for me.  They listen to so many types of music and that makes me so proud.  Lauren will even sit and close her eyes once in a while to really understand the lyrics and I love to watch her do that.

I closed my eyes a few times on Thursday night as I watched Willie live.  He was amazing live and the music really made me feel alive and for the couple hours that he sang, I wasn't sick anymore.  I didn't feel any pain.  I just listened and watched that little old hippie touch everyone there in one special way or another.  There were little old ladies there that just broke out in dance and old men that looked like they had lived every word of every song that was sung.  But there were also younger folks like Meg and I that just needed to be there.  It was really the most beautiful show that I have ever gone to and I have been to so many.  You know, if I never see another live show I will be fine with that.  Willie made my night on Thursday and the memories of that night will live with me forever.

I hope Megan knows that buying me those tickets was like buying me a little bit more hope and inspiration. 

A few words for Megan:
Thank you very much Megan.  I don't know how you understand me so damn well.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you live in my heart.  I still feel like I did about you from the start.  Thank you for putting me back together so many times when I just didn't have the strength to do it alone.  Thank you for telling me that this is all just a battle that we will learn from.  Thank you for believing in me and for feeding my soul.  I love you baby angel.  I will love you forever.

Has anyone ever done something so special for you that it still makes you happy to think about?  Have you ever done anything that special for someone else?

Enjoy the rest of this holiday weekend.  Today I need to rest a bit.  I feel good and it is great to have the girls here but I am pretty tired.  I had a pretty rough night last night and did not get much rest  but I will be just fine.  Maybe I need an afternoon in the park.  Maybe a big messy ice cream cone will make everything a little better.  That always works for the kids.

Smile today!  Life is going to be just fine!

Big Willie!

Tomorrow night is the big night!  I will see one of my favorite artists live and in person and I am very excited.  I wrote here after my wedding in April that my lovely bride bought me tickets to see Willie Nelson as a wedding gift.  She is so supportive!  It will be like forcing her to eat glass to get her to sit through the Willie show but she will do it and she will see me truly happy and she will enjoy that.  We both love seeing one another totally happy.  Her pretty eyes sparkle when she is happy.  About a month ago I sat through a Michael Bolton concert for her and that actually turned out to be a decent show.  Her eyes sparkled for that.  I really hope that she enjoys this just a bit.

In regard to health; I am feeling pretty good.  I have been very tired but that just sort of comes with the medication and illness.  I am excited about better possibilities but I know that I need to still be very careful and not get all crazy and do too much too fast.  That would only make me more of a mess.

I hope to check back here very soon.  I have my angels this weekend and I look forward to that very much.  Ice cream cones here we come!  Maybe I will have more pictures to share after the weekend.  We just set up a Flickr account for Lauren and she wants to take some shots to fill it up a bit.  She has a great eye!  I'll link to her account soon.

Have a wonderful rest of the week out there and do something exciting!  I am so excited about seeing Willie!  Right now I have 96 of his tracks shuffling on my iPod!  I can't wait to bust out a killer tie-dye shirt and some sandals and just enjoy his amazing work.  His music has always touched me.  Seeing him will certainly make that day count!  Thank you Megan!  I love you!

Smile today!

Trying this one more time...

Readers of this blog are probably tired of me moving it all over the web.  But here I am doing it one more time.  As you can see, I have updated the look a bit and I will add some new features and links in the near future.  I am not really sure why I am messing with it so much.  I am just restless I guess.  Maybe my life is reflecting on my writings.  Lately my life has been all over the place.  I have had all sorts of ups and downs.

As for health, I need to thank everyone out there for riding the wave of my last procedure with me.  There was good news and bad news and that was so much better than just the bad news that I am used to hearing.

The bad news is that one of my bile ducts has totally stopped working.  In addition to that, my spleen is in bad shape.  It is very enlarged and is causing some pressure on my colon and one of my kidneys.  But the good news is that there is a whole new piece that is growing on my liver and that is great.  According to my doctors, I may have some more time to live before I am faced with a liver transplant.  The fact that I will need a liver transplant does not change however.  Thankfully though, I may have more time and more time means more kissing Megan and more holding my daughters.  More time also means more time with my friends and more time to read and write.  More time means that I get the opportunity to live a longer life and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So keep surfing by here once in a while if you have some spare time and see how my funny life is taking shape.  I will be out here in California doing what I can to keep my head above water.  I will be trying to take all this in and I will trying to figure out what direction that I will take in my life from here.  I am not sure if things will change around here.  I would still like to take Meg and Tinkerbell and move closer to a beach and I would still like to sell a few words one day.

Life is so odd.  We only have one chance at making a go of it and we all want it to be great.  But just be careful.  You never know when something will happen all of a sudden that just rocks you.  Just make sure that when you get shaken up that you do it while you are living a life that makes you happy.

Thank you again for reading this and trust me this time.  Each Day Counts will stay right here at Typepad and it will be updated almost everyday.  That is my promise to you.  I will do whatever I can to keep that promise.

Pride and Sleep

I seem to have slept the last few days away again. I mean, I have been awake but at the same time, I have been pretty cloudy. Actually, I have slept a great deal. I can tell that Meg wants to look at me and say, "What the hell is wrong with you now?" But she just does her best to support me instead. I must be quite the pain in the ass to live with! I would love to tell her how I feel but I am not sure if I know.

Maybe it is all just too confusing anymore. I hurt and that is an issue but that is not the main issue right now. At least I don't think it is. So what is it? What I am struggling with now? Am I just playing another round of tug-of-war with my own emotions? Damnit! I am so tired of being so lost!

When will I finally reach the beautiful river at the edge of this dark forest? When will I be able to sit on the beach and look back and appreciate the battle and all that it taught me?

For now I will rest. I will rest and write and read and pray. I seem to pray more and more lately. Is someone listening? I am not a religious man. Should I be? Will someone listen if I am not?

The above photo is a mix of a a few from the San Francisco Pride celebration that we volunteered at over the weekend. It was amazing. The colors formed a rainbow that could not be shattered by hate or fear and the people there basked in whatever love kept them happy. For more photos click here.

I will go now and do what I do. I am getting tired again even though I have slept most of the day away already. Have some fun today. Find a light quickly if the darkness comes. Make a dream come true. Laugh. Love. Live. Learn. Smile.

Be blessed today.

I am really sorry....

I am really sorry for not keeping in touch lately. I realize that I have a responsibility to update this thing and I am sorry that I have made you worry. Thank you for all the kind words via email and telephone!

About life...
As you can see, Grace graduated from Kindergarten and that was a beautiful ceremony to attend. I could not be more proud of my little girl. She is amazing and she is growing up to be fun, intelligent and independent. She gets those characteristics from Megan and the fact that she looks up to my wife means the world to me.

I have been distant because I have felt a bit lost again lately. Those of you that have followed my life for a while know that I am like a turtle in the way that I seem to bury myself in my shell when things scare me. I honestly don't want to talk about them too much, but my last test results came back and I am not doing so good. But we all knew that this whole thing would get worse before it got better so I will ride the wave for as long as I can.

No matter what though, I just got married. I have a million loyal friends. The most beautiful little girls in the world call me daddy. I don't want to be sick anymore. It hurts me so deeply physically and mentally and I am really having trouble this time.

This weekend I will work with Meg as an advocate for gay rights for the world's largest gay pride celebration in San Francisco, CA. We will see the ocean and eat Chinese food and look out from our room at the most amazing city in the world. So, I will be making the days count. I promised to and I will do just that.

I need some rest now because tomorrow will be a long day but I will come back soon. You all make my life so much better and I love you for that. Take care of you and yours and hold someone close. Never, ever let go of hope no matter how fast that it seems to be slipping away.

Thank you my wonderful friends,

Ruben Porras

Health Update

Static cling! Cutest video ever!

I survived the weekend!  I had a nice weekend with Meg and the kiddos this weekend and I tried my best to rest and take things slowly.  It all worked out nicely.  I started classes again today so I will be busy but I will try to keep up with this site and all of my other crazy projects.

Have a great week out there and enjoy whatever you have planned to do.  Is anoyone going on a summer vacation?  I'd love to hear all about it!

Enjoy this great video of Gracie doing what kids do best!  She is such a beautiful blessing to me!