Each Day Counts

Midnight Rain

I am sitting here in bed listening to the rain fall and I feel great.  We got home not too long ago from a night out with friends (we go to Starbuck's with them every Wednesday) and Meg is already asleep.  A quiet iTunes mix is playing in the background featuring John Mayer, Ben Folds and Jack Johnson and the window is cracked open just a bit so I can feel the Fall air on my back.  This is heaven! I feel great right now!

It is nice to feel great right now because this has been a rough day for me full of pain and sleepiness.  I feel so tired lately and I really hate that.  One of my friends also told me tonight that I look pale and that is not good.  Based on my natural complexion, pale often means yellow and you all know that yellow means liver trouble and liver trouble is just bad news in my case.

But right now at this moment I feel alive and safe.  I am next to my pretty wife and Tinkerbell is here also cuddled up next to Megan.  I could not ask for a whole lot more right now.  I am thankful for what I have here.  I love these moments!

Tomorrow I hope to have a better day.  I may go to a concert with friends if I feel better.  That would be great!  Maybe I will sleep in and wake up and head out for coffee alone with my new book.  There is something magic about books and coffee on brisk Fall mornings.

Relax if you can if you have been stressed and think about all the wonderful things that you have.   I bet the number of good things far outweighs the bad!

Sleep well out there!  Thank you for letting me have your attention for a minute.  You have no idea how good it feels just to let it all go once in a while!

-Ruben

We did it!

I am exhausted today but totally happy!  The show last night was amazing and we had a great deal of fun.  It was a complete success!  It is amazing how much this town that I live in really got together for me.  It was almost like the whole city was there at some point over the course of the evening.

This is the comment that I left for Megan on her MySpace account this morning:

So we had a big, big party and people came and dropped off money and hope and prayers and they hugged us and I danced with a beautiful woman with eyes of silver.

I think she loves me. I sure hope so because she is lovely and full of life and sometimes I see her side that she never shows anyone else. And you know...I love that side of her because it is just mine and that is special to me.

This man loves you deeply Megan. This man always, always will!

-Ruben

___

Meg is out of town this weekend with her family but I hope she can check her web accounts from a hotel somewhere.  I love her so much!  Life is good!  Yesterday counted!  Today counts!  Have some fun this weekend and know that we are all just lucky to be be ok.  No matter how bad life seems to get,  just remember that there is someone somewhere that is hoping for you.  Hope is something nobody can ever steal from you.  It lives right there in your heart and makes you come to life!

Thank you for all of your support! 

Tonight is the night!

Tonight is the night that my friends are having the benefit show for me and I am excited.  I am nervous about speaking in front of everyone but I will be ok.  It is amazing that this is happening for me.  It will be awesome to have some money set aside for medical issues.

Other than that, I am working today at the mail center where I work 2 days per week and it is slow here.  I am also pretty tired and have had some trouble with pain today but all that will work itself out.  I have a late evening so I better be ready!

Have an awesome day out there!  Today I heard "Imagine" by John Lennon on the radio and I love when it comes up.  Have you ever just listened to the words of that?  That life would be incredible!  But with so much war and hate in the world, will it ever happen?  I hope so just for my babies!

Thanks for the love and support!

Ruben

The kiddos are coming home!

I am so excited that I can hardly contain myself!  The girls are coming home tonight and we have a big surprise for them.  I can't disclose just what it is here in case they may read this, but it is another Megan project and it is awesome!

So another weekend of random walks, ice cream and finding hope and inspiration in the eyes and hearts of two little munchkins is here!  I am such a proud dad!  I love my babies so much!

I hope that you all have a great weekend.  The Fall air is brisk here and the trees are starting to change color.  The world is prettier when the trees are a variety of colors!

Take care and smile!  We all have a great deal to be thankful for!

The Benefit Concert

Many of you have been reading my words for a long time and you have watched as I try to live in the midst of some sort of evil curse.  I go through so many ups and downs and sometimes I get depressed and just wish that just one good thing would happen to me.  I mean, is that too much to ask?

Well, it looks like something great is in the works!  On September 29th a group of my friends and local bands here in Modesto are having a party for me to help me out with some expenses that I have been struggling with.

For one night we will be taking over a local bar and restaurant and we will be celebrating my crazy life.  Tickets for the event will be available at the door the night of the event.  We are not trying to get rich here by any means.  I just need a little help right now.

So like the poster below says, there is a SUGGESTED donation of $10 but nobody will be turned away based on that.  You can give more or less depending on how you feel. Seating is limited to only about 150 people and we hope that everyone that wants to come can fit in.

So if you live here in Modesto, please come and let me thank you personally for all the love that you have shown to my wife and I over the years.  Let me shake your hand or hug you and thank you for every prayer that you have said for us.

If you don't live here or cannot make the event but would like to donate you can send donations to:

Ruben Porras
819 West Roseburg Avenue
PMB 129
Modesto, CA 95350

Any amount at all will be appreciated!

Thank you for taking the time to read this!  If you have further questions, comments  or  concerns, email: benefit@eachdaycounts.com.

With all of my love,

Ruben

3:44 AM/The Distance Factor

I am sitting in bed right now and Meg is next to me like always but I feel like she is a million miles away for some reason.  You see; Finances around here have been tight and she has been working constantly at two jobs and attending school.  It breaks my heart that she has to do so much but I can't work and bills have to be paid.  Actually, I have taken a part-time job but it pays poorly and offers few hours.  It is more something that I took to occupy myself but the money does help a bit around here.

You should see her.  I want to touch her and hold here.  I would give anything to make love to my beautiful wife right now but she is so peaceful and I would hate to disturb her.  She worked until 1:00 this morning and tomorrow I believe that she works both jobs.  I miss her so much.  I have a hard time being alone anymore. 

So I am sitting here and the tears are falling again.  I am just so damn lost.  I have been hurting again lately and for some reason my sleep schedule is all messed up again.  I hate when it gets all messed up like this because I know that there are many long nights and foggy days like this ahead of me.  But at the same time, I know that a weekend with my little ladies is coming soon and that warms me and gives me something to focus on.  I don't have any plans for our next weekend together  but I am sure that we will think of something fun to do.  I don't think that they really care what we do as long as we do it together.  They are such incredible little people.

Well maybe I should end this for now and try to calm myself down a bit.  Maybe I should wrap my arms around Megan and not let go for a long while.  But again, I hate bothering her.  She needs her rest.  I just hate feeling so far from her.

I hope that all is well out there for everyone.  I hope that the weekend is bringing you joy.  I hope that you all feel love in your hearts.

Thank you again for reading my words and for making my life a bit less lonely.  I am so happy that I have this blog back on track again!  It appears that most of my regular readers are back and that is great!  I apologize If you have a blog and I have not left a comment for a while.  I have been lurking around a bit and reading many blogs.

Smile today!

-Ruben

The kids went home today...

For the last six days I had my children staying with me.  For some unknow and unquestioned reason my ex-wife actually allowed that to happen.  For six days we explored, ate fun food, laughed, played and learned together.  It was the most beautiful stretch of time that I can recall experiencing in quite a while.

But today it sure hurts.  I wanted to cry when I dropped them off but I held it together.  It is amazing how two little tiny people can make such a huge difference by just being themselves.  They are crazy, messy, curious and sometimes they get under my feet but I love every second of it.  They are the reason why I have to make this mess of a life that I have work out for the best.  They need me and I know that because Lauren always tells me that she needs her daddy.  I have to fight like hell for her no matter what.  I love to teach her things.  She just started a Flickr account and she loves taking photos.  She would love if you took some time to look at her shots and maybe comment.  Click here to check out her work.  I think she is doing great for being 10!  There is a link to her account in my link section as well so you can see her work as it evolves.

Those of you that have your children every day are really blessed.  I am exhausted and my body will probably crash soon but I am so damn happy.  I have a head full of memories and a heart full of joy and I am walking on air.  Life is good today.  Today counts.

Make some time for your kids this weekend.  Take them to see "How to Eat Fried Worms" and just laugh with them.  The kids, Megan and I made a family trip to the theater today to see it and it was hilarious!  The kids loved it.  It is so beautiful to watch them when they are just lost in the little moments that the freedom of childhood brings.

Have a great day wherever you are in this big world and try to find some time to just breathe and smile.  Take a deep breath during a long workday or just give someone an extra long hug.  Hugs are good for the soul.  I firmly believe that.

Thank you for letting me crawl into your head for a few minutes today.  I needed to convey these emotions.

Smile today!

Trying this one more time...

Readers of this blog are probably tired of me moving it all over the web.  But here I am doing it one more time.  As you can see, I have updated the look a bit and I will add some new features and links in the near future.  I am not really sure why I am messing with it so much.  I am just restless I guess.  Maybe my life is reflecting on my writings.  Lately my life has been all over the place.  I have had all sorts of ups and downs.

As for health, I need to thank everyone out there for riding the wave of my last procedure with me.  There was good news and bad news and that was so much better than just the bad news that I am used to hearing.

The bad news is that one of my bile ducts has totally stopped working.  In addition to that, my spleen is in bad shape.  It is very enlarged and is causing some pressure on my colon and one of my kidneys.  But the good news is that there is a whole new piece that is growing on my liver and that is great.  According to my doctors, I may have some more time to live before I am faced with a liver transplant.  The fact that I will need a liver transplant does not change however.  Thankfully though, I may have more time and more time means more kissing Megan and more holding my daughters.  More time also means more time with my friends and more time to read and write.  More time means that I get the opportunity to live a longer life and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So keep surfing by here once in a while if you have some spare time and see how my funny life is taking shape.  I will be out here in California doing what I can to keep my head above water.  I will be trying to take all this in and I will trying to figure out what direction that I will take in my life from here.  I am not sure if things will change around here.  I would still like to take Meg and Tinkerbell and move closer to a beach and I would still like to sell a few words one day.

Life is so odd.  We only have one chance at making a go of it and we all want it to be great.  But just be careful.  You never know when something will happen all of a sudden that just rocks you.  Just make sure that when you get shaken up that you do it while you are living a life that makes you happy.

Thank you again for reading this and trust me this time.  Each Day Counts will stay right here at Typepad and it will be updated almost everyday.  That is my promise to you.  I will do whatever I can to keep that promise.

Life lessons at the fair

This post will be something new for me. I will be trying to ‘kill two birds with one stone.’ What I mean is that this post will be featured on www.eachdaycounts.com (my personal blog) and at www.modestofamous.com.

So here we go...

Yesterday I took my children to the fair and I learned quite a bit about the little beauties. For instance, Gracie, my five year-old who I could not get to take a shower alone six months ago for fear of drowning seems to have become a little daredevil. Watching her break free of her fears was a beautiful site. Watching her laugh while on the very top of the largest ferris wheel at the fair was very inspiring to me.

As for Lauren, my 10 year-old, I learned that she is still young enough to have a bit of fun with her aging Dad without worrying about the “cool” factor. But I know that in just a couple of years there will be no way in the world for me to get her to wear a goofy hat in public without worrying about being seen by a friend.

I savored every second with my girls yesterday and I let them sleep in today until noon because they were so worn out when they fell asleep last night. Being a part-time dad is rough and it is very, very difficult for me because of my health. I fear that I won’t get to see them grow up but more than that I fear that they won’t have great memories of me.

If I can’t get to the point where I get my liver transplant, I don’t want them thinking about what could have been. I want them to look back and think about that day when I went on the giant slide with them at the fair and let them do and eat just about whatever the heck that they wanted. I want them to learn from me that every day should be lived like tomorrow might not come. I want them to enjoy life and treasure every second that they have.

I’d like to thank Penny and Courtney at The Stanislaus County Fair for allowing us ice cream bars and water and a place for us to rest when I felt tired. I would also like to thank my in-laws for making the trip with us so special.

But most of all I would like to thank Lauren and Gracie for showing their daddy how to smile and laugh no matter how I feel and for making every day for me worth living even though there are some days when I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Love your kids today and hold them close to you. Let them eat something crazy and let them lose control a bit. They need to do those things just as much as we do.

Smile today!

Ruben/Mojo

Pride and Sleep

I seem to have slept the last few days away again. I mean, I have been awake but at the same time, I have been pretty cloudy. Actually, I have slept a great deal. I can tell that Meg wants to look at me and say, "What the hell is wrong with you now?" But she just does her best to support me instead. I must be quite the pain in the ass to live with! I would love to tell her how I feel but I am not sure if I know.

Maybe it is all just too confusing anymore. I hurt and that is an issue but that is not the main issue right now. At least I don't think it is. So what is it? What I am struggling with now? Am I just playing another round of tug-of-war with my own emotions? Damnit! I am so tired of being so lost!

When will I finally reach the beautiful river at the edge of this dark forest? When will I be able to sit on the beach and look back and appreciate the battle and all that it taught me?

For now I will rest. I will rest and write and read and pray. I seem to pray more and more lately. Is someone listening? I am not a religious man. Should I be? Will someone listen if I am not?

The above photo is a mix of a a few from the San Francisco Pride celebration that we volunteered at over the weekend. It was amazing. The colors formed a rainbow that could not be shattered by hate or fear and the people there basked in whatever love kept them happy. For more photos click here.

I will go now and do what I do. I am getting tired again even though I have slept most of the day away already. Have some fun today. Find a light quickly if the darkness comes. Make a dream come true. Laugh. Love. Live. Learn. Smile.

Be blessed today.